Being a mom to someone else’s child is hard. Very Hard. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful and wonderful in many ways. Also though, it’s hard.
Loving Jaxon is easy. It has never been anything but that. I still remember the first time I held that sweet baby boy in my arms, feeling like I had never felt more complete—I had never felt more like myself than I did, and still do, with him in my arms.
What’s hard, I think, is what has come from this effortless love.
It’s been nearly a year since that first, glorious morning I have already mentioned. In that time, I have gotten him out of bed each day. I have changed the morning diapers. I’ve made his breakfasts, enduring the ones he didn’t like being thrown at my face. I’ve watched him grow out of clothes and learn his colors and body parts. I’ve learned and relearned him as he has grown and learned and changed himself. I do not exaggerate when I say I have loved each and every second of it all.
In my eyes, in my heart, he’s mine now too.
But it’s that “too” that’s hard. It’s that “too” that hurts.
In just a few short weeks, Jaxon will leave Corey and I to go back to his mother, who has been honorably serving our country overseas during this time. This is a good thing. I know this. While I have not spent time with Jax’s mom, almost all I’ve been told is how much she loves and cherishes her sweet boy. Who wouldn’t want that for a child? And honestly, who would want to deprive a loving mother from her son?
Once Jaxon goes back with her though, I will endure the horrors of a clean and quiet house, a late-waking Saturday morning, and early-setting Friday night. I will face days without seeing his sweet face and hearing his perfect, little voice. Sure, I’ll get to see the photos mom sends to Corey, but it’s just not the same. Once Jax is with his mom, Corey will still get to be the dad, as he should be, but I will no longer be the mom, or babe (what Jax calls me). I won’t be anything. Not until it’s our turn again, anyway.
I’m in no way trying to diminish what a biological parent does or take the place of Jaxon’s mother—I would never do either of those things. What I am trying to say though is that no one talks about this feeling. No one talks about being a childless mother. No one talks about the pain of having a child that’s not really your child to anyone but you.
I would never trade a second of this life. Every single part of this is beyond worth it. That being said, being a mom to someone else’s child is hard.
