Pursuing Our Children: A Jax-Babe Date

Often times, when we read stories about lasting love, we are met with the concept of continuing to “date” our significant others. We must continue to pursue them. Essentially meaning we need to be intentional and take the time to take time for one another and learn each other as life changes and we change. It may take some extra time and might require some serious scheduling, but it’s well worth it to make sure we build and maintain strong bonds. I have always loved this concept and was the first to subscribe to it as it applied to romance and marriage…but what about our relationships with others? Our parents? Our friends? Our children?

Earlier this week, I had a couple of appointments that I couldn’t afford to put off so I went ahead and took the day from work to make sure they got handled. Since there were also a good amount of errands to run as well, I figured I would knock them out between appointments. A busy day indeed. Not at all the day I wanted off of work.

As I began to get ready for my oh-so-exciting, my husband had a brilliant idea that actually would make the day exciting. Why don’t I bring our oldest along for the day? An excellent idea.

So, Jax and I got ourselves ready and we headed out. We knocked out my appointments, scheduled a repair for my damaged windshield (eyeroll), and went grocery shopping just to name a few of the boring tasks—or the would-be boring tasks, if I didn’t have Jax with me.

I kind of allowed myself to bounce through the activities like nothing, but once we stopped for lunch and I sat across from this beautiful blonde-haired boy, watching him slam his chicken nuggets, I found myself in amazement and filled with such gratitude for him. The morning really had bounced along quite pleasantly and that was because of him. In all that he is, and at risk of sounding totally cliché, he totally does make the most ordinary of situations extraordinary. Somehow he spun our trip to Safelite into a special mission for us to embark on together in order to ensure the safety of our family and a trip to the grocery store was a treasure hunt and an amazing race all in one. Every little stop was an exciting insight to his amazing mind and a chance to actually have some, dare I say, fun.

I made sure to tune in as he explained to me how crazy it is that the sun melts the snow so that’s why the roads are wet and that’s a bigger problem for the zombies than it is for us but we should probably still make sue we get our car fixed just in case because even though Daddy is very strong, zombies can still eat our brains—but I couldn’t help but get a little lost in my own thoughts of how much I genuinely love this one-on-one time with this kid.

I mean, it’s not like this thought is necessarily profound or anything like that. Anyone who has met Jax knows he rocks. Between work, and chores, and practices, and all of the other life things (all of which I am very grateful for), my roll as a wife and mom of two all gets kind of lumped into one. I don’t like this. It’s not one roll. It’s three. I am a wife to Corey. I am a mother to Jaxon. I am a mother to Brady. Although breaking these into three separate parts may seem like more, which it totally is, it can be more good if I choose to let it be, and I need to choose to let it be. Each of these precious dudes deserve to be tended to and loved on as individuals. Especially as our family grows, I need to make this choice.

Time is going way too damn fast and I don’t want to miss out on the chance to know my boys for who they are as individuals. This may take some extra juggling and finessing of schedules, but as I peak in the rearview mirror at the sleeping boy, who I swear was my Mickey-loving toddler just last week, it is well worth it all. It is well worth it to continually pursue my boy.

The Fairytale

For many girls, we grow up reading and watching fairytales and fantasize about our lives being just like them. Often times though, we end up like Rebel Wilson’s character in Isn’t It Romantic (side note: if you have not watched this movie you are seriously missing out. I, and I’m sure my bff Callie would agree, suggest dropping everything right now to go watch.) and find ourselves disillusioned by the thought of it all as we realize that our lives don’t quite fit the mold of these happily-ever-after type stories. We begin to roll our eyes at the losers with unrealistic expectations and insist that they all grow up. Our hair isn’t always perfect, we don’t completely dazzle everyone in the room, and Prince Charming isn’t always the first cutie we meet when we leave our parents’ house…sometimes he’s not even the tenth or twelfth. Total bummer, but it is what it is.

What I’m starting to think though is maybe we are the losers. Maybe our expectations are unrealistic. Maybe growing up doesn’t mean giving up on the fairytale.

I met Corey on a dating app after getting fed up with the types of relationships I was finding myself in. I had had just two serious relationships in my life, one was with a guy who was abusive to me in various ways and was with a guy who didn’t want any of the things that I did and I honestly to this day don’t understand how we lasted as long as we did. I had gone on dates here and there, but nothing was fitting quite right. I matched with Corey and just decided to give him a shot. I’d be lying if I said his big, manly arms didn’t have something to do with it either.

The two of us quickly had to lay all our cards on the table as we both had pasts we desperately wanted to avoid and, as most know, he had a kid. The getting-to-know-you stage of our relationship didn’t happen through long strolls in an evergreen park or by candlelit dinners. It was actually more like a game of twenty questions. We laid the facts out there, assessed, and decided to move forward from there.

A few months in, we were in the face of COVID-19, and found ourselves trapped in a house together, raising a baby. This was basically our supplement for romantic dates and the slow progression of “firsts”.

Before we even reached the one-year mark, we were pregnant with Baby #2. Although he was planned and the most beautiful blessing, this was not how I had originally planned it. I didn’t recall reading this in any of my books growing up.

But it was just three weeks ago that I found myself having an almost out-of-body experience as I sat in front of the most gorgeous balloon-lined backdrop at the baby shower Callie had thrown for us. All my family and most of my closest friends were all there helping to celebrate mine and Corey’s little baby-to-be. I smiled and cried as we opened gifts, feeling like I had been blessed more than I ever deserved, and praying that the tracks from my extensions weren’t visible as my hair was already a mess.

We had just finished opening a gift and just as I was putting it aside, Corey stood up.

“Thank you, everyone, for coming,” he began, “It was really, really special to us that all of you were able to make it. I keep hearing over and over again that Kris is going to be such a great mom, such a great mom, but—”

At this point, he got a little choked up. People cheered, a friend made a joke about allergies, and I started to cry because that’s what I do.

He cleared his throat and continued, “She’s been an amazing mother for the past two years already. So, this is nothing new to her at all. As you see, we’re getting ready to leave for Michigan; we’re very excited to start this next chapter in our lives. There’s just one thing missing—”

As he said these words, my tears were freely flowing. I still couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea that this wonderful man before me could think so highly of me. Further, I couldn’t believe this life is mine. None of this was ever anything I imagined. My mind became a total blur, as did the room, but things began to focus as I blinked up to see Corey now taking a knee in front of me.

My heart was beating out of my chest. This was not real. My eyes met Corey’s.

“Will you marry Jax and I?”

This was not the way it ever happened in the books and movies. This was not the way I played this scene over and over again in my head. Never did I picture myself eight and half months pregnant, in a room filled with people and my son’s toy cars, looking into the eyes of a bearded man covered in tattoos. My hair wasn’t perfect, I didn’t completely dazzle everyone in the room, and Prince Charming wasn’t the first cutie I met when I left my parents’ house. This was not the way it ever happened in the books in movies.

Do not be mistaken though. These were the most perfect words ever spoken. This was the most beautiful room I had ever been in. This was the happiest ever after anyone could have ever agreed to.

In a million years, no one could ever write a more perfect fairytale than the one I’m living. It is unique and chaotic and absolutely enchanting. Best of all, it’s real. To think I almost gave up on the possibility too! We should not let ourselves be disillusioned by the idea of a fairytale. There is such thing as a happily ever after.

Oh, and by the way, I said yes.

{Step}Motherly Things

Being a mom to someone else’s child is hard. Very Hard. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful and wonderful in many ways. Also though, it’s hard.

Loving Jaxon is easy. It has never been anything but that. I still remember the first time I held that sweet baby boy in my arms, feeling like I had never felt more complete—I had never felt more like myself than I did, and still do, with him in my arms.

What’s hard, I think, is what has come from this effortless love.

It’s been nearly a year since that first, glorious morning I have already mentioned. In that time, I have gotten him out of bed each day. I have changed the morning diapers. I’ve made his breakfasts, enduring the ones he didn’t like being thrown at my face. I’ve watched him grow out of clothes and learn his colors and body parts. I’ve learned and relearned him as he has grown and learned and changed himself. I do not exaggerate when I say I have loved each and every second of it all.

In my eyes, in my heart, he’s mine now too.

But it’s that “too” that’s hard. It’s that “too” that hurts.

In just a few short weeks, Jaxon will leave Corey and I to go back to his mother, who has been honorably serving our country overseas during this time. This is a good thing. I know this. While I have not spent time with Jax’s mom, almost all I’ve been told is how much she loves and cherishes her sweet boy. Who wouldn’t want that for a child? And honestly, who would want to deprive a loving mother from her son?

Once Jaxon goes back with her though, I will endure the horrors of a clean and quiet house, a late-waking Saturday morning, and early-setting Friday night. I will face days without seeing his sweet face and hearing his perfect, little voice. Sure, I’ll get to see the photos mom sends to Corey, but it’s just not the same. Once Jax is with his mom, Corey will still get to be the dad, as he should be, but I will no longer be the mom, or babe (what Jax calls me). I won’t be anything. Not until it’s our turn again, anyway.

I’m in no way trying to diminish what a biological parent does or take the place of Jaxon’s mother—I would never do either of those things. What I am trying to say though is that no one talks about this feeling. No one talks about being a childless mother. No one talks about the pain of having a child that’s not really your child to anyone but you.

I would never trade a second of this life. Every single part of this is beyond worth it. That being said, being a mom to someone else’s child is hard.